Upstream

Living in big cities has taught me a few things about myself.  One--Just because all the girls are wearing it, doesn't mean I have to join the crowd. Two--the work will still be there in the morning.  Three--When it comes to the norm, I have a hard time swimming upstream.

As I got ready for work this morning, Pandora was blasting on my phone.  Songs like "Wonderful" and "Glorious God" loudly streamed from the speakers, and before I realized it, tears were rolling down my cheeks.  I put my hairdryer down, stared at the face in the mirror and realized I hadn't prayed to God all week.  I'd thought about him, and I'd pondered my temptations and struggles in life, but I hadn't stopped and actually talked to Him.  Work, life, projects, all of it had gotten in the way.  The emptiness inside suddenly felt overwhelmingly big, and for the first time in a long time I accepted the fact that I've been trying to survive on my own strength.  When my heart has hurt, I've attempted to calm it with my own hopes.  When I've been faced with temptation, I've relied on my own (humanly weak) strength to walk away.

How is it that a girl like me--someone who grew up in a Christian home, practically lived at church, and has seen the awesome wonders of God--so easily has fallen away from even talking to that same God?  As I drove in to work, "It is Well" came on, and the tears started rolling again.  I looked up into the sky and imagined Jesus returning from Heaven on His white horse, parting the clouds as they obey His every command.  I wondered what I might be doing at that moment, and it was then I saw how I've been sucked into the city life of living on my own time and my own interests.

This habit won't be an easy one to break.  It feels daunting, and even impossible, but the emptiness inside feels even bigger.  I imagine God was standing beside me as I looked into that mirror, watching my tears roll.  He probably had His hand on my back quietly whispering, "You are my beloved.  You are mine.  You are loved.  I am the answer."  I imagine He smiled when He saw my heart break for Him.  And I imagine His own heart has been breaking as He's waited for me to turn toward Him.

All I hear right now is "You are my beloved."